Raise daughter’s self-esteem and
raise her life
Nelsy Rodriguez
The Desert Sun
September 10, 2006
If only she
could see what you see - her sparkling potential and brilliance, the
glittering stars you once saw in her eyes.
But instead she walks with her head
hung, hair hiding her face, never speaking, never opening up. She
flaunts her blossoming body in tiny skirts to garner attention from
boys at the center of the party. She clings to stoic-faced kids who
pose no threat of ridicule as they all get dumb on drugs together.
Your daughter's at the age when
television ads and high school cliques and bullies make her feel
boring, ugly, fat and cheap. And it hurts you to see her value
herself so little.
And though parents can't protect
their daughters from all evils, those in the business of lifting
girls' self-esteem say much can be done at home to improve their
self image.
Beaten while
she's down
"It's our culture," said Olivia Muñoz,
counselor at Palm Desert High School. "Trying to keep up with
someone else, our movies, videos, music, models in magazines. If a
kid has low self-esteem it's easier for them to fall through the
cracks and to suffer."
Lowered self-esteem can lead young
ladies down self-destructive paths, Muñoz said, including apathetic
academic performance and dropping out, drug abuse and teen
pregnancy.
At the Barbara Sinatra Children's
Center in Rancho Mirage, where counselors work with abused children,
Clinical Director Rosemary Marta said suffering teens also may begin
cutting themselves and developing eating disorders, trying to
control something in their lives when control is being lost
elsewhere.
"Relating to their peers is very
important," Marta said. "If a girl feels a lack of power then she's
prone to succumbing to those disorders."
But sometimes the power isn't in
the girls' hands. Nor is their acceptance into a crowd. And when
they're rejected, Muñoz said the feelings can be very damaging.
"That happens a lot, unfortunately,"
Muñoz said of the trend of girls ostracizing one from the pack.
"It's easy to get caught up in the drama if they don't focus on
their goals."
Belonging,
becoming
True, says Alison McCollister, a Palm
Desert High School freshman. In the first week of school the
14-year-old girl was already able to identify prominent groups among
her peers. As was she able to see who asserts themselves as the top
of the pack and whom is on the receiving end of name calling.
"Girls just go around calling each
other names for no reason at all," McCollister said. "They call them
every name in the book so people can like them better, so (they) can
be the queen bee."
Muñoz, who counsels at
McCollister's school, encourages her students to maintain their
individual goals and fight the competitive pack mentality.
"The issue is trying to keep up
with someone else," Muñoz said. "What I tell the kids is to try to
be your own self, don't feel you have to keep up with your friends
or be someone else because you're not."
Finding ways in which to exercise
their strengths is key, Muñoz said.
Activities like sports, music,
choir, academia or community service can make a difference in how
much a girl feels she's contributing to society.
Individuality is where McCollister
said she gets most of her strength.
"I feel like I can stand on my own
two feet," she said. "I don't have to go to a certain group where I
would have back-up. I feel good about myself and people like me
because I stay away from that."
True
reflections
Maybe the most common gauge on which
girls base their self-worth is their looks. But airbrush techniques
on magazine covers and quickly changing fashion makes it more
difficult for teens to find and be comfortable in their own style,
said Iliana Vazquez, national director at John Robert Powers
modeling and acting school in Palm Desert.
Feeling unsatisfied with your outer
appearance can make girls feel worse about themselves inside too,
Vazquez said, which comes out even in their speech.
"Nowadays it's just so hard,"
Vazquez said. "A lot of girls are very shy. Most of our girls don't
know what to say, how to speak. They're hiding."
As part of core training at John
Robert Powers, girls take classes in building their self image.
Poise, etiquette, nutrition, grooming and conversation are all
points that, when girls are taught, can impact the way they carry
themselves, speak about themselves and ultimately feel about
themselves.
"When they leave here they know
themselves well enough to know what they can be," Vazquez said.
"We're not trying to change who they are, we're just trying to bring
out the best of them (and remind them) to always keep a positive
aspect on everything and be open-minded because there's so much
learning to do."
Beauty in all
forms
Her daughter, Victoria Vazquez, a
sophomore at Palm Desert High School, said like most girls, she
falls in spells of disliking herself.
Her hair, she says. She wishes her
hair wasn't so curly.
But the nearly 15-year-old says her
mom's reassurance has helped her feel positive about her looks and
all aspects.
"Sometimes I'll just say something
is wrong with me but she tells me that not all girls have hair like
(mine) and I should (feel) lucky," she said. "I think girls take the
bad more, but I take the good.
"And I know I'm smart so that makes
me feel good."
A girl with high self-esteem won't
see only her flaws, Marta said, because her strengths will appear
brighter.
"It's an indicator that they have
low self-esteem if they're looking at their bodies as measures,"
Marta said.
"If girls feel good about
themselves then they don't have to just focus on that one part of
themselves (that they don't like."
School vs.
home
Marta, who sees girls in the worst
situations at the Barbara Sinatra Children's Center, and Muñoz, who
counsels thousands at Palm Desert High School, said as simple as it
sounds it's the truth: Self esteem begins in the home.
"Parents have to be vigilant and be
careful that they're setting the tones at home to elevate their
daughters," Marta said. "It really should start at home."
The Children's Center hosts
parent/child self-esteem building sessions in which the girls
participate in grooming, nutrition and art classes while parents are
taught ways to help their kids feel better about themselves.
Mostly, the courses teach parents
how to set the example in being strong and believing in their
children.
Muñoz, the school counselor, said
though high school students are less likely to want to listen to
their parents, it's most important that their parents speak up.
"Even though the kids in especially
high school don't want their parents to get involved, deep down if
parents are involved in their child's life it does affect them," she
said. "It's your child, it's better if it comes from you."
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Photo
Illustration José Omar Ornelas, Desert Sun
Victoria Vazquez
gets a makeup lesson from her mother, Eliana Vazquez, as a way
to illustrate how Eliana would help her daughter gain
self-esteem.
Your daughter's self
esteem issues
The Barbara Sinatra Children's Center encourages the
following guidelines to setting your child up for a healthy self
image and being a positive role model in your teen's life:
Have realistic
expectations and goals for your children.
Teach your
children to delay gratification, understanding that quick-fixes
aren't always the most sound way to solve a problem.
Be role models
yourself by living positive lives.
Transmit to your
children that they are important, valuable members of society
and the family.
Love your children
unconditionally and set them up to succeed by being involved in
their personal and scholastic lives and interests.
Teach your
children strong social skills, like listening, taking turns to
speak, respect, accountability and rationale.
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