06/09/06
Family Violence
Why We Hurt The Ones We Love
Relationships with lovers, children, and parents, serve as
mirrors of the inner self. We learn how loving and
worthy of love we are exclusively through interactions with loved
ones.
- A distressed or misbehaving
child can seem to make one feel like a failure as a parent and
thoroughly unlovable.
- A raging or withdrawing parent
can seem to make a child feel inadequate and unworthy of
compassion, trust, and love.
- A distracted or controlling
spouse can make one feel devalued and unlovable.
The anger and resentment these feelings
stimulate are to punish the loved one, not for his/her behavior so
much as for the wounded sense of self they seem to reflect.
Love relationships build the sense of
self, so long as they provide:
- Unconditional safety and
security for all parties
- High levels of compassion
- Freedom from resentment,
hostility, abuse, and other emotional constraints.
If a relationship
consistently fails in any of the above, it loses its self-building
function and does more harm than good.
If it falls below the threshold of safety and security, it
becomes self-destroying.
Abuse
Abusive partners and parents are like the rest of us, only more
extreme.
They use anger and aggression for temporary relief of
self-diminishment caused by self-doubt, guilt, shame, or feelings of
powerlessness. Because abusive arousal
resolves in still more guilt, shame, and powerlessness, the family
becomes trapped in a downward spiral of despair.
What Abuse Can Do to You and Your Family
No One Escapes!
- All victims of family
abuse, all abusers, all children of victims and
all witnesses of abuse lose some degree of dignity and
autonomy (the ability to decide one's own thoughts, feelings,
and behavior).
- At least half of victims,
abusers, children, and witnesses suffer from clinical anxiety
and/or depression.
- Most lack self-esteem.
- Emotional abuse is usually more
psychologically damaging than physical abuse.
- Abuse tends to get worse without
intervention from an extended family member or someone outside
the family who glimpses through the veil of pretense.
- Witnessing abuse makes a child
10 times more likely to become either an abuser or a victim of
abuse. As adults they are at increased risk of alcoholism,
criminality, mental health problems, poverty.
- Symptoms of children in abusive
families may include one or more of the following: depression
(looks like chronic boredom), anxiety, school problems,
aggressiveness, hyperactivity, low self-esteem, exhibiting
over-emotionality (anger or excitability or frequent crying), or
no emotions at all.
- Symptoms of victims and abusers
often include one or more of the following:
- trouble sleeping
- frequent periods of sadness
and crying
- continual worry and anxiety
- obsessions
- excessive anger
- confusion/impaired
decision-making.
Important questions to ask
yourself
- Do I like myself?
- Am I able to realize my
potential?
- Do I feel safe?
- Do my children like themselves?
- Are they able to realize their
fullest potential?
Definition of Abuse: Failure of Compassion
Abuse is hurting the feelings or body of someone else to alter some
unpleasant feeling within the self. Because compassion regulates
unpleasant internal feelings, all abuse is a failure of compassion
for self and loved ones.
Physical abuse: hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, grabbing,
kicking, and any unwanted touching, sexual or non-sexual, as well as
threatening, coercing, or intimidating.
Emotional abuse:
- Attack on a person's autonomy,
identity, privacy, sense of self, or self-esteem; attempting to
control, isolate, or force behavior against his or her will
- Criticizing what a person is,
rather than what he/she does.
|
Abusive |
Non-Abusive |
| "You're lazy." |
"I feel you can do a little
more to help keep the house clean." |
| "You're stupid." |
"I disagree with your
opinion." |
| "You're a slut." |
"I felt jealous when I saw
you talk to him. I need to regulate my jealousy." |
| "You're a bitch." |
"I feel devalued when you
shout." |
| "You're a bad kid." |
"I don't like it when you
talk that way to me." |
COMPASSION
POWER SERIES - "BOOT CAMPS" for parents
Stop
walking on eggshells! Turn resentment, anger, or emotional abuse
into a compassionate, loving relationship
Anger and Health: The affects on
anger and the family
Family Violence: Why we hurt the
ones we love
Compassionate Parenting: Raising the emotional intelligence of
parents and children
Emotional
Abuse: You are not the cause of his anger or abuse
The Way Out
http://compassionpower.com/anger_at_home.php
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